i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish you could order shots online.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
