Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
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I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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