I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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