hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
