Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
