i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
