anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
