if i can run in heels then i can drive
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
