somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
