My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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