Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
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You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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