Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
