I seem to have left my pride at pride
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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