My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
