Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
