When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
