it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
