Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He kissed a someone with a penis
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
