I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
