Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
