I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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