Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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