Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
