dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I am mentally ready for anal.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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