how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
