I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
