How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
