I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
