i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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