My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
