What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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