my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
