Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
