This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
