Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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