Apparently you make a good broom.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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