So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
