I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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