i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
