i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
