Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
