i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she smelled like a LAN party
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
