I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
