Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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