I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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