Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
