he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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