i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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