Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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