she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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