Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
A bitchslap is in order.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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