And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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