my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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