Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
