I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
