you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
