I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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